I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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