And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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