My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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