Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
