You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
