I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
