yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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