Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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