I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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