I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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