ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
