Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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