remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
