I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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