Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
