By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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