she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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