On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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