No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
