did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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