there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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