I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
