my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dignity is for republicans.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
