I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
