Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
