It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
