i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
