I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
