Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
