my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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