Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
