it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
