Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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