I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
