Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize