i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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