tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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