Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
