I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
