I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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