i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Every concussion has its silver lining
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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