I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
only you would photoshop your dick
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
