you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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