i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
