we made out on top of his cat.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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