so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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