On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
