He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
