Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
