I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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