I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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