He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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