The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
