unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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