she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
