Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize