Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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