ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
