It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
